007. Just A Small Vacation

I was having a rough night last night. When I have those, I tend to go all melancholia and read through old things to make me feel worse - because I'm a girl, and I have a lot of feelings. At first I was contemplating reading through my old journals and then I realized. I have blogs online. And, so, I found this without too much difficulty. I have been on Tumblr for the last while so I haven't completely deprived myself but the problem with Tumblr is that it is so much more open. I have so many more followers, and it's hard to write about tough shit. And I never write in my actual journals because quite frankly I'm too lazy.

I don't know where to start. It's been so long since I last wrote a post so part of me feels like I should fill myself in, and then the other part of me already knows what went on because well, its about me. So I could just pick up from where I am now, I guess. 

I just feel really confused about my relationship. It is difficult to continue to grow and strengthen in a relationship that started at 17 years old. Don't get me wrong, its doable. And we have so far, but I feel like we are starting to get stuck. Or maybe its me that feels we are getting stuck, because Keddy is comfortable in our relationship. We've been solidly together for three and a half years, and were seeing each other for almost a year before that. I feel like at this point, we should be a lot more accomplished in our relationship. Emotionally, we are. Mentally, we are. But physically, we are not. And by that, I mean a few different things. Keddy and I are different, first of all, because we don't have sex. We know this, its not news to any of our friends. Its a choice we've made because of our spirituality, and we still thrive despite not being intimate in that way. But it weighs down on us because the longer we are together, the harder it gets to refrain and the more emotionally burdening it becomes. It deprives us from a part of each other that we both want so badly and it's also hard because we are on such different pages of where boundaries lie. Its more than being sexually frustrated. It's a devastating thing to feel physically unwanted by your partner. And I know he doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't know how because these are morals he's been striving to keep for so long. So there's that. And then there is also the fact that we never get alone time. By now, most couples would be living alone working and/or going to school and taking on responsibilities as such. But Keddy and I both, while in school, still live at home. It proves a difficult task to find any REAL alone time. Now we have a reason to stay at home as we are planning a move together in about a year from now and so financially it is smart for us to save us while at home so we don't crash and burn when we jump provinces. 

But it's just so hard to start an adult relationship when you started out as teenagers. It's hard to move that mentality and it's something we've talked about that if it doesn't change, we won't be able to make it. We are both 21 years old now, and it is time for us to grow up. I'm grateful that we didn't have to grow up before it was our time, before it was necessary to do so. I'm grateful for the security and ability to be young and go on trips and live life and not be bound by adult responsibilities. But I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to move our relationship in growth and not leaving it stagnant. On the other hand, I can't even think of not being with him because I love him so much. I know we will make this work, I have so much faith in our relationship because I know we were meant to be together. 

I just need strength. I need so much strength. And I know, deep down, that I don't have it right now.