I posted a new profile picture of me on Facebook today. I wasn't expecting to, because I was using photo booth on my mac to take the picture, which I NEVER use because I hate how grainy it makes it. The point is, I posted it. And 16 people have liked it.
I know it shouldn't matter, but it makes me feel so good. I know that a person liking a picture isn't really that big of a deal. Like any girl, though, I have a low self esteem. But I'm pretty sure mine is worse than many girls'. I have a hard time accepting what I look like at any point. A really hard time. Sometimes I make myself sick with how rotten I think I look. And honestly, I know its supposed to be a compliment but i'm so sick of hearing people call me 'beautiful'. I feel like it's overused so much. I want to be stunning, and sexy. I hate seeking approval, and though that wasn't my intention in posting the picture, it's a way to get it.
I hate that I have felt physically and emotionally inadequate my entire life. I hate that. It's not somewhere I have ever wanted to be. And I have always known I am much better than it, but it's always in the back of my mind. It's always like a little tick in my subconscious. It is so hard for me to say "I look so good." And it shouldn't have to be.
It really shouldn't have to be.
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