014. OVER emotional

Why do I feel so heartbroken that he doesn't want to spend his first night back with me. It was his choice to get drunk last night and not feel good today, and he's "so tired" even though he slept the whole way home. And he just spent a week with four girls and I know he wants to see me but it just sucks. It sucks because he knows as well as I do that now, because of how busy next week is, we're going to go two weeks without spending a night together. And I hate that and I'm upset that he doesn't want to see me.

I know it's stupid. It's his first night home, he's had a long week and he's tired. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I hate just being another girl. I would kill for him to say "Come over. I want to see you." Why is that so hard? Isn't this always the root of the biggest problem we ever have. Why can't I just be put first for once in this relationship.

I hate that I love him more than he loves me. I don't know how it got this way. I hate it so much.

013. Trying

My week has been going surprisingly well... the only different factor is KJ isn't here. I don't really know what that is supposed to mean. I think it just means I needed the break to get some time with myself and my friends and not constantly want to be spending it with him. Because that's my problem. I get consumed with him. Or I get consumed with being wanted and loved.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really KJ that does that to me, or if I would be like that with anyone.

012. Life is Fragile

It is Thursday.

Today is the first day since being in Mexico that I have not felt like shit for at least part of the day. It's the first day in almost a week that I haven't felt nauseous. I consider that a blessing.

Today I found out that my friend's (who is my program at school) boyfriend is dead.

I know that's blunt, but I hate when people try to sugar coat things to make them seem better. He "passed." He is dead. Just like that, he was taken out of her life. This man, who was her everything. Her rock, her solitude, her sense of grounding. She has had so much happen to her, and it seems so unreal. I am in shock that his person who meant everything to her is dead. I feel so heartbroken for her, she has been in my thoughts all day. She is such a sweet, caring, genuine person. I don't understand why he was taken.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I do believe that. In some way, this was meant to happen. That almost sounds sick as I say it, but I still believe it. But just because I believe it doesn't mean I think it's fair.

KJ was like, "she must be shook up." Um. I don't think shook up would be the word. More like completely devastated. If that had been him, I just know I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed.

Life is so fragile. This summer has taught me that. My uncle killed himself. He shot himself in the head because he was so sick. He couldn't see how much he was leaving behind. Couldn't see the repercussions of his actions. You can die in one second. My brother went from having a normal heat stroke, to being diagnosed with two kidney diseases.

There is nothing in this life that is absolute. Anything can happen, at any time. It's frustrating that it takes a tragedy, or a difficult situation to be able recognize the depth of suffering or how quickly life can break beneath your own feet. It takes next to nothing for a world to shatter.

Now I can understand why people say live every day like your last. It's terrifying how easily it could be.

011.

So, Friday morning comes. My cold is better, but i'm feeling kinda nauseous and my stomach is off all that day. I push it aside because Keddy and I had plans to go to Ranchmans all the effing way in the South for a friend's birthday. It was actually a lot of fun, we mostly were just dancing together because Sheridan and her friends were off doing whatever. Before we went to sleep that night, I took some cough medication and advil muscle and joint because my back had been spasming. Then I wake up four hours later and bam... I'm high. Off medication that have reacted together. Or, thats what's I thought. Cold sweats, nauseous, the shakes. Everything but throwing up. So I figured I'd feel better after all the medication wore off, but nope.

I have some kind of flu, without actually throwing up. I seriously cannot win. This is the second weekend in a row i've had to spend doing nothing because I'm sick. Last weekend was a cold, this weekend the flu. I've eaten about six crackers in the last 44 hours. I've had to blow off so many plans, and be virtually useless instead of getting to spend time with my boyfriend. I'm frustrated and upset. Why is this a thing in my life?

010. Inadequate

I posted a new profile picture of me on Facebook today. I wasn't expecting to, because I was using photo booth on my mac to take the picture, which I NEVER use because I hate how grainy it makes it. The point is, I posted it. And 16 people have liked it.

I know it shouldn't matter, but it makes me feel so good. I know that a person liking a picture isn't really that big of a deal. Like any girl, though, I have a low self esteem. But I'm pretty sure mine is worse than many girls'. I have a hard time accepting what I look like at any point. A really hard time. Sometimes I make myself sick with how rotten I think I look. And honestly, I know its supposed to be a compliment but i'm so sick of hearing people call me 'beautiful'. I feel like it's overused so much. I want to be stunning, and sexy. I hate seeking approval, and though that wasn't my intention in posting the picture, it's a way to get it.

I hate that I have felt physically and emotionally inadequate my entire life. I hate that. It's not somewhere I have ever wanted to be. And I have always known I am much better than it, but it's always in the back of my mind. It's always like a little tick in my subconscious. It is so hard for me to say "I look so good." And it shouldn't have to be.

It really shouldn't have to be.

009. Do You NEED Something, Life?

People are always like, "Oh you're so lucky you know where you want to go with life!" and I'm always "Yeah, I'm really lucky!" Except I'm only half lucky because I'm only half sure what I want to do. I will be graduating from my Child and Youth Care Counsellor Diploma at the end of the school year. That's crazy!

But I am applying to four different schools for my continuing education. Two of them are just the regular BofCY. One of them is a BofCY with a specialization in child life - which is what i've been telling people i'm going to do. And the last school is the school I'm at right now, and I am going to apply for both the social work diploma and BA in Pysch... Just in case I want to switch things up. I think I'm nuts. What if, God forbid, I got into everything. How would I even make a decision? Usually I have mild conniptions over what clothes to wear every day. Or what if I don't get into anything. Well, then i'd at least have my diploma, I suppose.

I'm stressing myself out looking at the schools and finding out their applications start dates.

008 - Cont'd

Why am I always one or the other? I can never have a happy medium. I'm either upset and confused about us, or I'm happy as a clam. Tonight was so good. It's crazy how in sync we are with each other when we have no tension or frustration. We say the same things at the same times, we finish each other's sentences, we bust a tit at every little thing and we are so affectionate. I love nights like these. If we had just gone to dinner, none of that would have happened. I love that I plucked up my courage to suggest that. I know. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me it is. I have this awful problem with making myself vulnerable in anyway. Or more like, I hate doing it.

I just want more of that always.

I must sleep.

I work at 7am. I work in an effing bookstore, and have to be there at 7am.

008. Sick Always

I don't understand the people in life who never have to go to the doctor or are never sick. There is always something wrong with me. No matter what, I have some sort of ailment ranging from fungus to nausea to back pain to sleep deprivation. I like to make sarcastic jokes about it most of the time and put it off like its NBD. But I feel defeated by my own body. 

FOR EXAMPLE. I had my trip to Mexico and was nauseous at least once every day. I confined myself to the air conditioned room for one evening because I felt so sick. I couldn't drink, I couldn't get drunk and I didn't get to do any of the crazy things that I wanted to. I wanted to have some fun experiences, and I didn't get any of that. And while the trip was still beyond worthwhile, my body does shit like that and it prevents me from doing the things I want. Then on the day we left I had a sore throat, which I credited to screaming so much at Coco Bongo the night before. But just kidding, I stepped off the plane and my head practically exploded and I basically had every cold symptom by the time I got home from the airport. Then I was sick the entire weekend. I just don't understand it. I know I sound like a whiner, but its honestly becomes so physically and emotionally draining. 

There are people with way worse. Alex has two kidney infections, for Gods' sake. I know that I should be thankful for things that are minor in comparison, but right now I feel like I need to have a pity party for myself. 

Keddy and I are hanging out at my house and having pizza and watching a movie. I took the initiative to ask, plan and follow through too. So when shit goes down about how we haven't been keeping up with the big talk we had, at least I can honestly say I tried.

I love my life, but seriously? My life is cranky right now.

007. Just A Small Vacation

I was having a rough night last night. When I have those, I tend to go all melancholia and read through old things to make me feel worse - because I'm a girl, and I have a lot of feelings. At first I was contemplating reading through my old journals and then I realized. I have blogs online. And, so, I found this without too much difficulty. I have been on Tumblr for the last while so I haven't completely deprived myself but the problem with Tumblr is that it is so much more open. I have so many more followers, and it's hard to write about tough shit. And I never write in my actual journals because quite frankly I'm too lazy.

I don't know where to start. It's been so long since I last wrote a post so part of me feels like I should fill myself in, and then the other part of me already knows what went on because well, its about me. So I could just pick up from where I am now, I guess. 

I just feel really confused about my relationship. It is difficult to continue to grow and strengthen in a relationship that started at 17 years old. Don't get me wrong, its doable. And we have so far, but I feel like we are starting to get stuck. Or maybe its me that feels we are getting stuck, because Keddy is comfortable in our relationship. We've been solidly together for three and a half years, and were seeing each other for almost a year before that. I feel like at this point, we should be a lot more accomplished in our relationship. Emotionally, we are. Mentally, we are. But physically, we are not. And by that, I mean a few different things. Keddy and I are different, first of all, because we don't have sex. We know this, its not news to any of our friends. Its a choice we've made because of our spirituality, and we still thrive despite not being intimate in that way. But it weighs down on us because the longer we are together, the harder it gets to refrain and the more emotionally burdening it becomes. It deprives us from a part of each other that we both want so badly and it's also hard because we are on such different pages of where boundaries lie. Its more than being sexually frustrated. It's a devastating thing to feel physically unwanted by your partner. And I know he doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't know how because these are morals he's been striving to keep for so long. So there's that. And then there is also the fact that we never get alone time. By now, most couples would be living alone working and/or going to school and taking on responsibilities as such. But Keddy and I both, while in school, still live at home. It proves a difficult task to find any REAL alone time. Now we have a reason to stay at home as we are planning a move together in about a year from now and so financially it is smart for us to save us while at home so we don't crash and burn when we jump provinces. 

But it's just so hard to start an adult relationship when you started out as teenagers. It's hard to move that mentality and it's something we've talked about that if it doesn't change, we won't be able to make it. We are both 21 years old now, and it is time for us to grow up. I'm grateful that we didn't have to grow up before it was our time, before it was necessary to do so. I'm grateful for the security and ability to be young and go on trips and live life and not be bound by adult responsibilities. But I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to move our relationship in growth and not leaving it stagnant. On the other hand, I can't even think of not being with him because I love him so much. I know we will make this work, I have so much faith in our relationship because I know we were meant to be together. 

I just need strength. I need so much strength. And I know, deep down, that I don't have it right now.