014. OVER emotional

Why do I feel so heartbroken that he doesn't want to spend his first night back with me. It was his choice to get drunk last night and not feel good today, and he's "so tired" even though he slept the whole way home. And he just spent a week with four girls and I know he wants to see me but it just sucks. It sucks because he knows as well as I do that now, because of how busy next week is, we're going to go two weeks without spending a night together. And I hate that and I'm upset that he doesn't want to see me.

I know it's stupid. It's his first night home, he's had a long week and he's tired. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I hate just being another girl. I would kill for him to say "Come over. I want to see you." Why is that so hard? Isn't this always the root of the biggest problem we ever have. Why can't I just be put first for once in this relationship.

I hate that I love him more than he loves me. I don't know how it got this way. I hate it so much.

013. Trying

My week has been going surprisingly well... the only different factor is KJ isn't here. I don't really know what that is supposed to mean. I think it just means I needed the break to get some time with myself and my friends and not constantly want to be spending it with him. Because that's my problem. I get consumed with him. Or I get consumed with being wanted and loved.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really KJ that does that to me, or if I would be like that with anyone.

012. Life is Fragile

It is Thursday.

Today is the first day since being in Mexico that I have not felt like shit for at least part of the day. It's the first day in almost a week that I haven't felt nauseous. I consider that a blessing.

Today I found out that my friend's (who is my program at school) boyfriend is dead.

I know that's blunt, but I hate when people try to sugar coat things to make them seem better. He "passed." He is dead. Just like that, he was taken out of her life. This man, who was her everything. Her rock, her solitude, her sense of grounding. She has had so much happen to her, and it seems so unreal. I am in shock that his person who meant everything to her is dead. I feel so heartbroken for her, she has been in my thoughts all day. She is such a sweet, caring, genuine person. I don't understand why he was taken.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I do believe that. In some way, this was meant to happen. That almost sounds sick as I say it, but I still believe it. But just because I believe it doesn't mean I think it's fair.

KJ was like, "she must be shook up." Um. I don't think shook up would be the word. More like completely devastated. If that had been him, I just know I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed.

Life is so fragile. This summer has taught me that. My uncle killed himself. He shot himself in the head because he was so sick. He couldn't see how much he was leaving behind. Couldn't see the repercussions of his actions. You can die in one second. My brother went from having a normal heat stroke, to being diagnosed with two kidney diseases.

There is nothing in this life that is absolute. Anything can happen, at any time. It's frustrating that it takes a tragedy, or a difficult situation to be able recognize the depth of suffering or how quickly life can break beneath your own feet. It takes next to nothing for a world to shatter.

Now I can understand why people say live every day like your last. It's terrifying how easily it could be.

011.

So, Friday morning comes. My cold is better, but i'm feeling kinda nauseous and my stomach is off all that day. I push it aside because Keddy and I had plans to go to Ranchmans all the effing way in the South for a friend's birthday. It was actually a lot of fun, we mostly were just dancing together because Sheridan and her friends were off doing whatever. Before we went to sleep that night, I took some cough medication and advil muscle and joint because my back had been spasming. Then I wake up four hours later and bam... I'm high. Off medication that have reacted together. Or, thats what's I thought. Cold sweats, nauseous, the shakes. Everything but throwing up. So I figured I'd feel better after all the medication wore off, but nope.

I have some kind of flu, without actually throwing up. I seriously cannot win. This is the second weekend in a row i've had to spend doing nothing because I'm sick. Last weekend was a cold, this weekend the flu. I've eaten about six crackers in the last 44 hours. I've had to blow off so many plans, and be virtually useless instead of getting to spend time with my boyfriend. I'm frustrated and upset. Why is this a thing in my life?

010. Inadequate

I posted a new profile picture of me on Facebook today. I wasn't expecting to, because I was using photo booth on my mac to take the picture, which I NEVER use because I hate how grainy it makes it. The point is, I posted it. And 16 people have liked it.

I know it shouldn't matter, but it makes me feel so good. I know that a person liking a picture isn't really that big of a deal. Like any girl, though, I have a low self esteem. But I'm pretty sure mine is worse than many girls'. I have a hard time accepting what I look like at any point. A really hard time. Sometimes I make myself sick with how rotten I think I look. And honestly, I know its supposed to be a compliment but i'm so sick of hearing people call me 'beautiful'. I feel like it's overused so much. I want to be stunning, and sexy. I hate seeking approval, and though that wasn't my intention in posting the picture, it's a way to get it.

I hate that I have felt physically and emotionally inadequate my entire life. I hate that. It's not somewhere I have ever wanted to be. And I have always known I am much better than it, but it's always in the back of my mind. It's always like a little tick in my subconscious. It is so hard for me to say "I look so good." And it shouldn't have to be.

It really shouldn't have to be.

009. Do You NEED Something, Life?

People are always like, "Oh you're so lucky you know where you want to go with life!" and I'm always "Yeah, I'm really lucky!" Except I'm only half lucky because I'm only half sure what I want to do. I will be graduating from my Child and Youth Care Counsellor Diploma at the end of the school year. That's crazy!

But I am applying to four different schools for my continuing education. Two of them are just the regular BofCY. One of them is a BofCY with a specialization in child life - which is what i've been telling people i'm going to do. And the last school is the school I'm at right now, and I am going to apply for both the social work diploma and BA in Pysch... Just in case I want to switch things up. I think I'm nuts. What if, God forbid, I got into everything. How would I even make a decision? Usually I have mild conniptions over what clothes to wear every day. Or what if I don't get into anything. Well, then i'd at least have my diploma, I suppose.

I'm stressing myself out looking at the schools and finding out their applications start dates.

008 - Cont'd

Why am I always one or the other? I can never have a happy medium. I'm either upset and confused about us, or I'm happy as a clam. Tonight was so good. It's crazy how in sync we are with each other when we have no tension or frustration. We say the same things at the same times, we finish each other's sentences, we bust a tit at every little thing and we are so affectionate. I love nights like these. If we had just gone to dinner, none of that would have happened. I love that I plucked up my courage to suggest that. I know. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me it is. I have this awful problem with making myself vulnerable in anyway. Or more like, I hate doing it.

I just want more of that always.

I must sleep.

I work at 7am. I work in an effing bookstore, and have to be there at 7am.